Evaluations, Reevaluations, and Missiles

Every year, without fail, I have a birthday. No, bear with me. And every year, without fail, I have the "Shit shit, guys! I'm a year older and what the fuck am I doing with myself?!" While I'm not doing badly at all for a 25-year old, I still get the feeling that I could have gone to Africa or Europe (I don't know) and have done some psychological research or something. But I'm still in good ol' California, running my own business. Which is not a bad thing at all.

My brain likes to screw with me, though. It starts to freak out for no reason. For a few days, my poor little brain feels as if the world is going to collapse onto it. My rational mind tries to tell it to calm down because the sky isn't going to fall anytime soon, but my poor little brain just says, "Fuck you! Yes it is!" and begins to weep. (Or at least what I imagine a weeping brain would look like... I'm not really sure. What does a weeping brain look like? Gross.)

Still gross.

I re-evaluate my life at that point. I start to weed out the people who were not very awesome during the year. It's kind of an advantage to have my birthday at the end of the year (except for sports, enrolling in school, and pretty much everything else in life), because I can just be all, "Oh hey, for 11 months you were a really shitty person, so I'm just going to delete you from my life." I have eleven months of evidence, you guys! It justifies my decision. Deleting from my life really means that I just delete the person from Facebook and ignore any calls or text messages I get from the person. I don't know if that's the right way to go about it, but I guess it has worked in the past. I think it has.

Crap. Now I don't know.

I'm just going to go with yes. I'm pretty good at ignoring stuff. I blame it on growing up in a chaotic home and always fighting with my cousins (I mean punching and scratching and everything like that). It's helped me clean up my act in the past (the ignoring, not the fighting). You get rid of people who bring a lot of negativity in your life. Unfortunately, if you're like me, you tend to attract a lot of bat-shit crazy people. I blame the fact that I'm a psychologist, cyclist, and horsewoman. That's three types of crazy people and I don't know how much longer my poor world can take it. I'm sure it'll be another sixty years, but you never know. That's still a lot of crazy.

Then I feel guilty that I deleted and ignored those people. But if I keep them in my life, it's sensory overload and my brain starts to panic as if someone fired a bunch of missiles and we're all going to die!

So then I just delete and ignore those people anyway because my rational mind tells me that I'll probably get over it after a nap. So I take a nap and don't remember that I made any of those decisions until I open my laptop and check my Facebook. And my phone getting messages such as, "WTF Y DID U DELETE ME??? :( :(" I guess I could say because of your shitty grammar but I just go back to taking a nap or lol'ing at pictures of cats and ponies on the internet. 

I will never understand how people cannot laugh at pictures like that. 

Either way, after a few panicked days (and by panicked I mean that I ran around in panicked circles and hit my coffee table because I didn't know what the hell I was doing), I feel better. Sometimes I sit in the corner of my bed and sob uncontrollably for absolutely no reason, but I feel better the morning after. I then realize that I have nothing to freak out about and that I'm doing perfectly okay for my age. I have a few things I have to take care of for my future, but that stuff is in the works right now, and that's good; at least it's all going somewhere. Progress. 

This sometimes happens a couple of times before my birthday actually hits. It's kind of a panic --> panic --> panic --> shitshitshitshit --> sob --> calm --> yay! --> uncomfortable feeling --> panic --> [...]

I think you get the idea. You guys are intelligent human beings. I think that my brain needs to do a cycle like that every once in a while so it can refresh and continue being a productive organ in my life, kind of like my heart... or liver (who is a total champ). 

I've concluded that my brain is just a fucking asshole.