The Lost Girl

I think that one of the biggest disappointments in my life is that I mostly followed The American Dream. I moved to this country, went to school, graduated college. I couldn't find a job with my college degree and I found out that student loans don't help with bills or with getting a job. Because I didn't want to go into a deeper debt hole, I decided to skip furthering my education and didn't enroll into any Master's or PhD/PsyD programs. I was pretty much stuck with many other people who were well educated but couldn't find a job. I was completely lost. To help with that lostness, I decided to join the military.

 

Let me tell you, I'm even more lost and disappointed than when I was a jobless graduate. Which really sucks, because I was so excited when I wrote that entry back in 2014. A career change, a new life, a steady paycheck... everything seemed brighter. It's a damn shame it didn't turn out that way.

I think I'm even more lost because I lost pretty much everything since I've joined the military. I lost most of my friends and family, I lost my marriage, I lost my fitness, and I've nearly lost my motivation.


I lost myself.


I have always had a great support group. My friends back home are supportive, my cycling circle of friends are fun and encourage each other. In my current rate in the military, people stab each other in the back for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
I told one of my supervisors that I was getting out of the military after I did my tour in San Diego. Whether that's true or not, who knows? If that command is anything like my current one then I will leave and happily never return, however, I've heard differently. When my supervisor asked me why I wanted to leave the military, the reasons where:

• I'm a 30-year old woman who is told where she can live and nearly got my home, animals, and bikes taken away from me because of my divorce, which, and I told him, this command caused
• I'm a 30-year old woman who is told she cannot train because she has to do "group PT," which normally consists of chasing a fucking Frisbee. I'm training for the High Cascades 100; the training that I do for that race will improve me a lot more than fucking around with a bunch of people who have never been on a bike for more than 5 miles
• The Navy caused my divorce, and yes, I have said this to my supervisor's face
• It has caused more stress and weight gain than I like to admit
• People stab each other in the back instead of empowering and encouraging each other

I think the most disappointing part about those bullet points is that when I said "People stab each other in the back," all my supervisors can say is, "Well, that's just the nature of the rate." Excuse me? So I should just accept that some 20-year old punk is blaming me for something for absolutely no reason and accept the consequence? Women couldn't vote in the early 1900s but there my ass is, voting. Why should people just accept that the rate is a bunch of backstabbers instead of changing that horrible environment? Sorry, but that just doesn't go well with me at all. In fact, it makes me sick that people let that shit slide. Change is good. Change the rate. Make better standards. Stop being stupid fucks!


I refuse to accept such a stupid, lame, and lazy excuse.


So, because I was tired of the environment and my lack of training, I took leave for 23 days, which I'll write about later because it was an amazing trip. I rode over 500 miles, got faster, happier, and healthier.


People in the military don't like it when you practice self-improvement.

I came back to an extremely negative environment, which I knew I would, but since I was with so many supportive and amazing people on my trip, I decided that since I can't change people at work, I'll change myself. So far, not much has gotten on my nerves on my first three days back. I only have 60 days left in Washington, and my goal is to make them as positive and happy as possible. Will it be hard? Oh, yes, but it'll keep me healthier, the weight loss will still be coming (14 pounds so far!), and I'll be the girl racer I once was. With my best friends and happy family.

Always keep this in mind: Do no harm, take no shit. Keep your head down and your chin up. Uplift people, help them get to their potential. And fuck the haters, because they'll just deviate you from your goals.


Wish me luck! And good luck to you all!