I never knew I would become suicidal. I never knew I would want to end everything to end the pain. I never knew I'd have enough pain to want to end it. A person never plans for any of it.
One of the things I truly hate about this society is that they always say that suicide is selfish. Suicide isn't selfish; it's a desperation. It's feeling like the nightmare you're living through will never end, day after day, the same nightmare. Sleep doesn't let you escape that nightmare either because you're dreaming it as well. There's no end. And to end that feeling of end, you feel there's no other way but to end your life.
Another thing I hate about society is that they tell a person to simply snap out of it. If you have never felt so lifeless while still living in a world you hate, then you cannot tell a person to snap out of it. If you have never felt dead while still being alive, then you need to educate yourselves and help, instead of being a prick and telling a person how they should feel. Educate yourselves to help if you feel the need to comment on a person's reality.
I came across this on Facebook from the page Depression Awareness:
And I realized, as I'm in my room, even with my roommate with me, that I feel alone and I no longer look forward to the next day. I simply wait for it. I'm waiting to leave this place, I'm waiting to move on, I'm waiting to leave all of this pain that this place has brought to me... but I don't look forward to anything. I stopped living my life. The dreams I once had are gone. The dreams of me riding and competing at a high level of Dressage, riding and completing Tevis, becoming a CAT 1 racer, running an ultra race, completing an Iron Man... even having a good military career or becoming a Doctor of Psychology... it's all gone.
As I sat on my bed, I realized that I no longer live my life. I used to enjoy it, and as the years at this command went by, the more bullshit that I go through, the more I get extended, the more that I just wait for it to end. The problem is that people don't want to deal with that. People don't like to actually help each other when one of them feels like living their life is over, yet they're completely obsessed in trying to stop you from ending that lifeless life.
What am I waiting for? Before I used to live to make my dreams come true. Now what? If I'm not living or waiting for those dreams, what am I waiting for? I think that it's the unknown that scares me the most. In fact, it terrifies me.
I no longer have the dreams of finishing big races. Hell, I've failed the High Cascades twice already. I will no longer ride horses, let alone a super fancy Dressage or endurance horse. My horse is now gone and I’m still so broken hearted about it. I will never be a CAT 1 racer. I'll definitely not have a military career. I'll most likely never become a Doctor of Psychology. At this moment in time, I will be going through my days, moment by moment, hour by hour, waiting. Waiting for the next event to happen. I stopped living my life, and it brings me so much sadness because I look back at how hopeful I was. I look back at it and I see dead dreams. I look back at it and I see no point in even trying to restore those dreams. I just look at the clock and wait for the next hour until it's time to sleep, where I dream more nightmares, and wait for the next day.
Have you ever woken up and felt disappointed? If you haven't, I envy you, because that's what waking up is to me... a disappointment.