A Guide To Keeping Attention

As a person with an attention span of a humming bird on crack, I get asked, "How do people keep your attention?" This question is asked for a variety of subjects, but most of the time, it's my dim-witted male friends who are freaking out because the chick they're dating is losing interest. And you know why it is? Because they're dimwits. Here are some tips on keeping someone's attention:

1) The biggest mistake people make is trying to buy someone. While gifts and stuff are nice, it's better if you try to do something together. An example: I like to bake. So, guys, if the girl you're going ga-ga over likes to bake, buy all of the ingredients and ask her if she wants to bake with you... or help you not burn down the house, because we know you most likely suck at baking anything.

2) Keep sending good morning texts. There's nothing more awesome than seeing a good morning text message. Well, there is, but a good morning text message is still super awesome. Don't stop. You're a year into the relationship? Keep sending a good morning text. It shows that you stopped being a dimwit for two seconds and that you actually care and use your dimwit brain every once in a while.

3) Go out for walks on nice nights. I like going to Old Sacramento on a night with a nice moon. Holding hands and walking like a happy couple shows that you like her. Also, it most likely makes the general public uncomfortable to see you so happy with your significant other, but that's the awesome part about it.

4) For the love of the gods and all that is holy, don't compare her to actresses, professional athletes, etc. Actresses are paid to look good and professional athletes are paid to do their sport, which in turn makes them awesome with a killer bod. Stop it. Dimwits.

5) Watch stupid movies.

6) Surprise flowers every now and then are awesome. Make sure they don't have bugs.

7) Do not ridicule her in front of your friends. That's a sure way to make yourself single. And probably a great way to get slapped.

8) Don't compete. If both of you do the same sport, don't try to be better, and don't "let her win." Just have fun. You have other friends to compete with. If you're goofing off, then sure. An example is "sprinting" up a hill on your bikes. Most of the time the sprint fails because we're laughing too hard, but it's flirty and adorable and people see that you're having fun with each other. Also, this could make the more bitter part of the general public uncomfortable because they hate seeing happy couples, in which case, it's even more awesome.

9) Quit being annoying.

10) Don't stink. Wear nice cologne or something so that you don't smell like dude. It's icky and a turn off. Props if you can pull this off:

I'm just kidding. Though that'd be pretty neat. Except the horse doesn't look as amused as most women do. Whatever.

11) Have some self control and don't always try to get in her pants. This goes with #9; it's annoying. If you're a hipster, then "getting in her pants" has a totally different meaning and... uh... okay.

12) This goes for either sex: Don't keep in touch with your exes. It shows that you have issues of letting go of the past. It's stupid and there's no reason for it. It also shows that you have boundary issues. Let. Go. It's over for a reason. Don't try to "be friends" or "be friendly" because it's stupid, and it shows your newest significant other that you can't let go of shit. It's basically like saying, "I'm going to shoot my horse and then stuff him and keep him in my living room." It's weird. Don't do it. Another good way of making your new relationship fail and you becoming single. A dimwit way of doing it.

Do women have a harder time of letting go? I don't know. I don't have a soul and my heart is made of stone so I pretty much detach from stuff in a couple of days. Except my horse. He grew on me like a fungus. A strong fungus.

13) Keep yourself well-groomed and fit. I'm not asking for Dwayne Johnson or Channing Tatum, I'm just asking for someone who won't have a heart attack because of a shitty diet and lack of exercise, who doesn't look like shit with his shirt off, and who doesn't look like freakin' Chewbacca. Girls groom themselves of the time... guys can do it just as easily.

This is cute. Hairy and gross men are not.

14) Don't be a slob. Don't be gross. Stop that.

15) Be freakin' nice. Pay attention. Listen. It's not that hard, I promise. It's not that hard to not be an asshole.

Those are a few simple things you can do to keep someone's attention. Ladies, these go for you, too, but I usually have my guy friends ask me about this crap, mostly because when girls ask me for advice, I say, "Quit being a passive aggressive bitch." That usually solves most of the issues on the chick's end. Stop that, ladies. Stop it. Quit being dimwits.

You're welcome.