Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Ode to The Spanky

Everyone knows I love horses. I had my own. The love of my life. The love of my life since I was 14-years-old.

I went to the High Cascades 100 race in Bend, Oregon on July 15, 2017. It didn't go well. I was pulled due to severe dehydration and I couldn't make it. I'm no longer the athlete I used to be. In fact, due to seeing my blog being read by someone at work, I decided to look at previous entries from 2013 and yonder. Man... was I a different person. 

I was clearly upset since I didn't finish this race for a second year in a row, and I had to come to terms that I couldn't ride that distance anymore, especially with the little to no training I have and could even do at the time. I wasn't feeling well due to the dehydration, and I should have actually gone to the ER, but I didn't want to have to deal with work (lol) being pissy about it. 

On the morning of July 16, 2017, I woke up to a voice message saying that Mac has colicked through the night and wasn't recovering... that it was most likely his last day. 

I still have that voice message. 

My heart sank. I called as right after I heard the message and talked to his caretaker, my best friend's mom, and my second mom. I kept crying because I made the decision to let go of the one thing that I knew would always be there for me and who had been there for me since I was 14. 

I lost part of my heart that day, and there was no getting it back. 


The Spanky is the horse that taught me some huge lessons in life. He's the one who never judged me or ridiculed me for my mistakes, the one who truly forgave me for the horribles mistakes I've made in life. He taught me that every mistake is a lesson in life, and every time you learn something new, it makes you a better person. He taught me what true forgiveness felt like and what true unconditional love is. 

Ge taught me some lessons the hard way, too. He taught me that you don't have to be a brute to be firm. You don't have to be calloused to be disciplined. You don't have to be mean to teach. He taught me that sometimes you have to take a step back and recollect yourself. He also taught me that sometimes you just have a bad day and don't want to do anything. On those days he'd buck me off, and you know what? That's okay. 



Mac had been in my life for 16 years. He let me try everything, from poles, to herding horses, to jumping, eventing, dressage, and endurance. He was always willing to let me learn. He didn't yell or get mad, he didn't hold a grudge, he taught me and he let me learn. He wasn't shy about letting me know when I made a mistake, and he was always so firm, but gentle, when he corrected me. 

The Spanky and me when I was 14 and he was 7

Because of him I know that you don't have to be an asshole to correct a mistake. 

A huge part of my life is gone and I'm completely devastated. I made so many mistakes along the way but he never hated me for them, he never looked at me like I was a fuck up. He knew me for who I was. I was his caretaker, his rider, his teammate. 


I was his person, and he was my horse. 

I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, Spanky. I wish I could give you one last kiss. In times like these, where I wish I wouldn't wake up, I need you the most. To hug that big neck and cry into it, just like you would let me. I'd always calm down because your breathing would always help me. 


I love you and miss you so much. I wish I had you. You were only 23-years-old. I wanted to see you again when I finally left Washington. I've needed you so much these past three months. I should have been with you... but you're no longer in pain. I'll see you when my time comes. 


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