Because English-ing Is Hard

Everyone has always said that English is one of the hardest languages to learn. I highly disagree. I thought it was extremely easy. I "mastered" the language and got rid of my accent in two years (accent comes out the more I drink). Grammar isn't hard, English isn't hard. It's not hard. So it baffles me when native English speakers A) Suck at their own language and B) Ask me to tutor them.

Oh yes, you read that correctly. People who have been speaking English their entire lives have asked me, an ESL, to teach them how to properly English.

I know English is not a verb, but with the ways some native speakers use the language, it might as well be.

Here are a few lessons

You're and Your

A lot of people have problems with this one. I don't know why. It's not hard. If you're trying to describe someone, are at a place, etc., then, for the love of Hey-sus and all that is holy, use "you're." If you're still confused, then say the whole sentence. Don't even try to use your/you're. Use "you are." If you can say "you are," then you're safe to use "you're." Anytime you can say "you are," you can write "you're." Make sense? It should, because that's super Lamen's terms right there. 

"Your" is possessive. Most people don't own pretty or blue or pink. I mean, I'd like to think I own pretty, but I don't. You can't say, "your pretty," because no one owns pretty. It's "you're pretty/funny/awesome." 

Use "your" when you're saying, "Dude, your dog just bit my leg," or "your bike is pretty awesome." 

"There is a moment of victory when you realize you're your group's best speller, even though you're your group's token foreign kid." That, right there, is awesome grammar. 

Too and To

If you don't know when to use too/to, just think, "If I can say 'as well' or if something is of abundance, then I must use 'too.'" As in, "there is no such thing as too many bikes" or "that person sucks at grammar, too." 

I have a coping mechanism for this one, though. Every time a person uses "to" instead of "too," I always think that they're going to a place. For example, if someone writes to me, "Oh yeah, I had to much coffee," I always imagine that person going to a town called Much Coffee. In my head, I just see someone saying, "Onward to Much Coffee!!!"

If you confuse either too or to with two, then you need to go away. 

They're, There, and Their

They're is "they are." Just like "you're," if you can say "they are," then you're safe to use "they're." 

Think of "there" as more of a physical way of using it, such as being at a place ("over there") or how much of something you have ("there are five puppies"). 

Their is much like "your." They effin' own it. Own. It. "Their pony just pooped on my garden because I have shitty grammar. Even a pony has better grammar than me." (Every single pun has been intended.)

A Lot

I'm not even going to try to be cute or funny with this one. A lot is two fucking words, okay? It's not alot, allot, alaut (seriously!?) or anything of the sort. Seriously, people. It's two damn words. Always has, always will be. I promise that "a lot" didn't get changed into two words by some asshole just to fuck with you. It's always been two words. Two. You never say abunch, alittle, or afew. Nope. You say "a bunch," "a little," or "a few." It's simple. It's two words. Stop being an asshole and use "a lot" properly. 

Every coping mechanism has failed for this one. 

English is Hard :(

I understand that I'm very picky about grammar, but dammit, if I learned how to speak the language at 12-years-old, a native speaker should have a firmer grasp than me on grammar/spelling. That's not the case. It seems that people who are ESL know more about the language, history, and geography of this country. Get your shit together, guys!

I'm probably writing this entry because I kind of have a writer's block and I need some material to write about. I should ask people what I ought to write about next. Plus, I can draw pictures. 

Now, go study your English and quit sucking at grammar.