Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Snelling Race Report

I figured I should finally buck down and write my report for Snelling. I've been busy and stuff, okay?

This is the first year I've done Snelling. I've never raced it before because I hate driving, and this race is pretty much in bum fuck Egypt. I don't like driving my big ass truck to races 1) Because it's big, 2) I hate driving, and 3) Diesel is like $4.50 a gallon. The cool thing is that Boyfriend pretty much goes to all the races that I go to so I had a ride to the race. I decided to go. The not so cool thing is that we had 2 hours of sleep... I honestly wish I could say, "well, I just got a new dog and he kept me up all night because he's new and stuff" but nope, Dog is so well behaved and sleeps through the whole night that I couldn't put the blame on him.


Isn't he cute? Except he's a super good boy so he doesn't allow me to use him as a scapegoat when I feel like crap at races. 

Anyway, this entry isn't about Dog, this entry is about that fucking wind tunnel Snelling. I'll write an entry about Dog another day, because he's seriously pretty awesome. 

Anyway, we got to the race super early. Another crappy thing was that Boyfriend's race was in the first wave (start time 0810) and mine was in the second wave (start time 1225). Can you see where this sucked? Yeah, if we had been in the same wave, we would have had a pretty short day. We did not. I pretty much wanted to shoot myself because I just wanted to sleep.


I actually did try to sleep. Dog came along with us and after we saw the waves go off, we both went back to the car and tried to nap. Again, the bastard won't let me blame my lack of sleep on him because, even though there was a lot of commotion at the race, he took a huge nap while I just wanted to hit my head on the asphalt until I passed out. Seriously guys, not a peep out of Dog. 

Boyfriend came back and told me how windy the course was. I originally decided to race Snelling this year because everyone tells me that this is my type of course. I can power through the course and the rollers are the type of rollers I can easily power up. There are some rough roads but I love riding on shitty roads, so that isn't a problem for me.

I slowly got ready. My warm up was huddling in the car until it was time to go line up.


We had a three-mile neutral start, which were the longest three miles of my life. I pretty much just wanted to drop dead, and the ref kept going from 20mph to 10mph on the downhill so we were all slamming our brakes, so I thought my dream of dropping dead was going to come true. 

The race was pretty stupid. It was windy and stupid. Have I said it was stupid yet? I was so freakin' tired throughout the whole damn thing. We got neutralized so many times (the ref would, again, slam his brakes and we'd all have to grab ours), that I pretty much wanted to cut someone. Don't get me wrong, the race was going well for me, but those stupid little moments made me want to say a profanity. 

There were attacks and a bunch more attacks. We dropped a lot of women on an attack on the crappy road on one of the laps. The last two laps were probably the most eventful laps. Some ladies kept doing bad moves, almost causing a bunch of crashes, and there was a lot of bumping. One chick bumped into me quite a few times. It didn't really phase me. I don't know if I'm just getting used to the physical part of the sport or if I was too tired to give a crap. 

More bumping, more near crashes, more tumbleweeds nearly wiping some of us out (those things were huge). On the last lap, we were all getting situated for the final sprint. Metromint attacks. We chase. We keep chasing. On the last road before we turn for the finish, we knew she had the win. I was second into the turn for the final sprint, chasing Folsom Bike's Claire Morgan. Chase, not catching her, chase some more, getting closer, sprint, and then it happened: my water bottle decided to jump ship into my crank. I hesitated since I didn't know what had happened to my crank at first, once I realized it, I didn't have it in me to recover back into the sprint. Once you hesitate, you know it's over. So, I just rolled through. I figured I got top 15 or something. 

Photo by the awesome Dale Tapley.

I got back to the car after another grueling three miles, in which I reflected on life and concluded that it was stupid, but I still had to ride back to the car. My left foot had that pain that it usually gets after a long road race, which I've now fixed by going back to my old road shoes. My foot has been very happy since the switch back. I passed out on the way home. I don't even remember falling asleep. I'm glad Boyfriend was driving.

I don't know if I'll do this race again. Actually, I will as long as I don't have to be there for both waves again. It's an awesome course for me. The wind was absolutely brutal. We would sometimes get stuck doing 12mph because the wind was just that freakin' strong. Anyway, whatever. When I got home, I decided to check my results to see where I actually placed, and I got 9th. So, two hours of sleep and some bad luck with an "ABORT MISSION!!!" water bottle and I was able to get 9th. I'll take it. I wonder how I would have done if I were fresh as a daisy and my water bottle didn't decide to commit suicide. I guess I could see next year... eh? EH? Meh.

March doesn't have much racing for me. I might do the Cool Mountain Bike race on the 9th, though. I'm 95% sure that it's going to happen. So wait for a report of "LOL I CRASHED LIKE FIVE TIMES!" and "IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!" in a couple or so weeks.  

Monday, February 18, 2013

The Copper Town Circuit Race Report

This past Sunday (February 17th) I raced two races on the same day. I wasn't going to race Copper Town since I've been racing pretty much every weekend in February and I don't want to burn out, but this race had a Women's 3 only field and a Women's P/1/2/3. I don't get much of a chance to race twice... I've only been able to do it once before at the Reno collegiate race because they had a regular category and a collegiate category at the crit. So, I decided to race both races on Sunday.

Photo credit to Cycle Masters of Turlock
The first race, the Women's 3, was 60 minutes long. The course is pretty flat. You start to feel the rollers after a while but they're the kind of rollers that a person like me (a big ass), can power up in the big ring. I was racing my Grammo 580s for the first time, too, so that was pretty exciting. The field had a bunch of girls I've either raced with in the 4s or I have raced with in collegiate. I know how awesome the collegiate girls are and how strong they are, so I knew it would be a fairly hard race to place in. 

We had 11 girls total in the W3 race. C'mon, ladies! A race finally gives us our own field and we don't support it. Frustrating. 

Anyway, the race really wasn't that exciting. It was all smooth, some attacks, which I thought I was going to die in. After a couple of laps, though, I could tell who would charge and when the attacks were going to come. I'm getting better at this whole reading the race thing. I decided to do an attack, which I completely regretted but I didn't get dropped, so... go me... or something. 

Okay, so the same thing happened over and over in the circuit race. Attack, respond, attack, respond. No one broke away in this race. The section through town was fun. The wind kept picking up throughout the race, too. 

Photo credit to Cycle Masters of Turlock
On the last lap, we all started to get into position after the U-turn. This time, no attacks happened after the turn, which is one of the places that were pretty obvious attack points. We all just settled. The 2km point come, no one attacked, we really just settled in the group. 1km... attack. I got on the right side of the pack and answered the attack at about 300 meters. 200 meters and UC Davis, Team TIBCO II, Chico Corsa Cycling Club, Reno Wheelmen, and I duked it out. Team TIBCO II ran out of fumes, and UC Davis had a strong sprint. I rolled in second place.

I was socked. I couldn't believe I had enough of a sprint to out-sprint some seriously strong riders in that field, but I was able to do it! My coach and I haven't been working on my sprint since I'm still in a building phase. Hopefully this means that my sprint has improved a bit!

I won a t-shirt and $30 off for the Top Sport Stage Race in April... which I think I want to do. Now to find a TT bike...

Oh, by the way, I totally texted my coach about my podium. I was also hopping up and down like a little kid. Boyfriend found this amusing... I'm sure every one around us did as well. 

My legs were shot after that race, but I still had the Women's P/1/2/3 race to do, which was 90 minutes long. I hung out with Boyfriend and a bunch of other cyclists out there, goofed off, and got ready for the second race. 

There were some strong riders in the field. I knew I wasn't going to last very long in that race since my legs were completely shot and I haven't had much experience in racing a second race on the same day, but I started. I didn't attack, I didn't try to pull any moves, I didn't do anything. I was basically this:


I lasted a third of the race with the leaders, because when a Brazilian CAT 1 rider attacked, I pretty much just went... "meh" and didn't even attempt to respond. I got dropped with a couple of other CAT 3s and we rode the rest of the race together. So, I got my ass handed to me. My right calf threatened to cramp, I was tired, and sleepy... and sleepy. I was happy the race was over when it was over. My left  foot hurt so much, as if it had a stress fracture on it, that I had to sit in the car for a while before I could even think about moving it. Actually, I sat in the trunk but whatever. It's the second time that that has happened... I wonder what's up. 

No, really. When she attacked, I was pretty much like this guy:


I could have quit the race. I thought about it. Did finishing second to last in the WP/1/2/3 race make me physically stronger? Nope. Did it make me mentally stronger? Hell yes. It's a mind game. I know I can fight through the pain. It's doable. I went over a hurdle. 

The race was good to me. Now I know that I'm not a total failure in the 3s. Hopefully I'll do well in Snelling this Saturday, another Women's 3 race!

Thanks to everyone who congratulated me on my podium and on my hard work. It means a lot to me and it gets me even more stoked for races. You guys definitely inspire me to become a better athlete. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Double Header Weekend Race Report

I raced in two criteriums this past weekend, the Bicycles Plus Winter Criterium and the Cherry Pie Criterium. Both races were a Women's P/1/2/3, so I basically raced just to survive. It's tough getting used to racing this new category...

Bicycles Plus Winter Criterium

The crit took place on February 9th. It's not a technical course at all and it's pretty much a D-shape... or a stupid looking horseshoe, whichever you prefer. It's fast, so the field tends to stay together. I usually do well in this criterium, except that this time, I'm against the P/1/2s. When I looked at the start list the night before and saw that Marley Smith was signed up, I pretty much did this: 

Eh, oh well. The race was pretty uneventful, except that some chick from Folsom Bike kept bumping into me even after I told her to quit it. I get that in a crit we're going to bump into each other, but four or five times is a bit excessive. So... stop. I was pretty annoyed, but then I got over it.

Marley Smith and one of her teammates broke away. She always pulls that move on that course and she gets away every time. A couple of teams had the numbers to pull them back in, but no one really did any work. I tried a couple of times and failed, because I'm still not fast at all compared to those girls, so eh... I just tried to survive. Didn't sprint at the end because the race was pretty much over. It was a fast race. 

The Cherry Pie Criterium

The next day I decided to race Cherry Pie for some stupid reason. I had never raced that crit before, so I thought it would be fun or something. There were about seven or eight pros in my field when I checked the registered riders the night before, so I figured I'd get dropped on the second or third lap since there's a hill. I basically felt how this little guy looks when I lined up with a bunch of pros:

As the race started, I kept up with the field, with the surges, and so on. The hill began to hurt. It's not a big or long (that's what she said) hill, but when you have a big ass while trying to keep up with freakin' pros, it hurts. I eventually got dropped, 25 minutes into the race, with two other riders. Why did I get dropped? For some stupid, stupid reason, I touched my brakes before the 90-degree turn at the bottom of the hill. I didn't even grab brake, I just touched, and that was enough. 

Bad touch. 

Oh well. Lesson learned. Other riders dropped out, but three of us worked together. That damn hill started to hurt after some time. To add insult to injury, there was a headwind on the hill, too, so the hill went from this:


To this:


I completely got my ass handed to me, but I was happy. Why? Because I learned how to ride a bike almost five years ago, started racing, and now I'm able to keep up with some of the fastest women out there for a good chunk of the race. Who would have thunk? While it's hard going from being one of the top dogs in the Women's 4 to being low man on the totem pole in the Women's P/1/2/3, I'm happy that I'm improving every single race. I've only done three P/1/2/3 races, and each one gets better and better.

After the race, I got on the trainer and spun for an hour while the men's P/1/2 race was going. I hung out with Boyfriend, who, by the way, got fourth in his race (Master's 1/2/3). So close to that cherry pie... yet so far. We cheered my CAT 2 teammate, Kevin, in the race. After that, we went home and I ate soup.

And that's that. My next race has a Women's 3 category. Let's see how I place in a group of women who are strictly 3s.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Things That Are Not Okay 2

Some people asked me to do another "Things That Are Not Okay." Here's the first one if you missed it. Maybe my pet peeves amuse people. Who knows? Like I said, everyone is amused by the short, angry person.

1) The phrase "Like a boss." 
If, for whatever reason, you use this phrase, you need to stop. You need to stop right now. Do you know how annoying it is to hear someone say, "OMG YOU JUST WON. LIKE A BOSS!!!" No, no I don't know what it's like to win like a boss. You know why? Because I'm not a fucking boss. Go play video games or get a job if you want a boss.

2) Using the word "retard" to mean that something is stupid.
You're a terrible person if you do this. As a person who works with children with Autism, I hate it when people use this word as if it didn't hurt anyone. Have you ever seen how devastated a child looks when they get made fun of this way? Or when they hear that word used like it's nothing? It's terrible, and it's heartbreaking. So don't do it. And if you do it, quit it. This behavior makes you, sir or madam, and ass.
He's angry because you're an ass.

3) "BAMF."
Just... fuck you.

4) People telling me to "HTFU." Go "STFU," assholes.
I've accomplished a lot in my young life, and I have big plans. I'll be accomplishing a lot more, whether it's academically, athletically, or in the work force. It is not appreciated when people tell me to "harden the fuck up" when I've gone through a lot more and have accomplished a lot in my life. However, anyone who has trumped my accomplishments and who trains in storms, has ridden/raced (bikes and horses) in snow, etc. is more than welcome to tell me to "HTFU." Others will simply get a "STFU."

5) People who constantly ridicule others.
I don't care whether it's weight, height, race, face shape, sexual preference, etc. Quit making fun of people just to make yourselves feel better. I constantly hear people make fun of others because they're too heavy, or too tan (there's a fine line with this one, though), or too blonde. I get that we all make jokes. I make them all of the time, especially about me. But making jokes just to be malicious and to ridicule others is not okay. Whether it's at a gym, store, parking lot. I don't care. Stop trying to make your pathetic self feel better. And yes, you're pathetic if you make fun of someone just to be mean. Don't make fun of people's diets, don't make fun of their appearance, don't make fun of their weight. Maybe that girl is happy to be a size 10. Fucking leave. Her. Alone. It's not going to affect you in any way, so stop.

6) Stupid gym people.
We understand you want that hot bod, or that you want to be awesome... or something. However, please stop dropping the weights after you do your 250-pound dead lift. If you have to drop the damn weights, then you shouldn't be lifting that weight. Also, quit hogging the mirror. I like looking at that sexy motherfucker staring back at me in the mirror just as much as the next person, but you don't need to flex in front of the mirror for 15 minutes. I promise you didn't lose any muscle tone between sets.

Be nice enough to wipe the machines, I don't want your nasty human juices all over me. It's gross. If you're going to be texting on the only curl machine available, at least get off of it so the person patiently waiting to do their workout can play, too. It's not that hard to be considerate. Oh, and meat heads, stop fighting at the gym. You accomplish nothing except provide entertainment for those of us slowly dying of boredom on the cardio machines.

Actually, never mind, keep fighting.

7) The misuse of "epic."
No, as much as you would like to think so, not everything you do is epic. DisneyLand isn't epic, that movie wasn't epic, eating dirt isn't either. Not much is actually epic. Going across the country on your bike kind of is, finishing the Tevis cup is extremely epic (top ten is the epic of epic), breaking away in a bike race and winning is pretty epic, skydiving, bungee jumping, saving a kitten in a flash flood... that stuff. Quit misusing "epic," for fuck's sake. It makes you sound like you live under a rock when you say that a certain movie was epic. It wasn't.

8) Moths.
UGH.

9) Peacocking on a group ride.
I get that you want to show off how super-awesome-and-super-strong-and-holy-shit-look-I-can-sprint. And I get that you want to assert yourself in a group because, hey, you're super awesome, right? Well you're not. You're just a a douche who doesn't know when and where to peacock. If you're going to peacock and if you want to assert yourself, do it at a race. Win the sprint, win a few primes, break away... at a race. A casual group ride is not the place to peacock. You basically just made yourself look like a tool. Nobody likes a tool. And yes, you are the topic of negative conversation, whether you hear it or not and whether you want to believe it or not. Tools...

Actually, I think people who try to peacock a casual ride look more like ginny fowl; ugly, loud, and annoying as all hell.



Yup... that's you. You're that annoying.


10) Cold weather.
Stop :(


Welp, once again I'm not really sure how to cleverly end a post like this, so I'll just give you this:

Hell yeah, that's a fucking octagon. It's dedicated to my buddy, Mark. 

Saturday, February 2, 2013

A Guide To Keeping Attention

As a person with an attention span of a humming bird on crack, I get asked, "How do people keep your attention?" This question is asked for a variety of subjects, but most of the time, it's my dim-witted male friends who are freaking out because the chick they're dating is losing interest. And you know why it is? Because they're dimwits. Here are some tips on keeping someone's attention:

1) The biggest mistake people make is trying to buy someone. While gifts and stuff are nice, it's better if you try to do something together. An example: I like to bake. So, guys, if the girl you're going ga-ga over likes to bake, buy all of the ingredients and ask her if she wants to bake with you... or help you not burn down the house, because we know you most likely suck at baking anything.


2) Keep sending good morning texts. There's nothing more awesome than seeing a good morning text message. Well, there is, but a good morning text message is still super awesome. Don't stop. You're a year into the relationship? Keep sending a good morning text. It shows that you stopped being a dimwit for two seconds and that you actually care and use your dimwit brain every once in a while.

3) Go out for walks on nice nights. I like going to Old Sacramento on a night with a nice moon. Holding hands and walking like a happy couple shows that you like her. Also, it most likely makes the general public uncomfortable to see you so happy with your significant other, but that's the awesome part about it.

4) For the love of the gods and all that is holy, don't compare her to actresses, professional athletes, etc. Actresses are paid to look good and professional athletes are paid to do their sport, which in turn makes them awesome with a killer bod. Stop it. Dimwits.

5) Watch stupid movies.

6) Surprise flowers every now and then are awesome. Make sure they don't have bugs.

7) Do not ridicule her in front of your friends. That's a sure way to make yourself single. And probably a great way to get slapped.

8) Don't compete. If both of you do the same sport, don't try to be better, and don't "let her win." Just have fun. You have other friends to compete with. If you're goofing off, then sure. An example is "sprinting" up a hill on your bikes. Most of the time the sprint fails because we're laughing too hard, but it's flirty and adorable and people see that you're having fun with each other. Also, this could make the more bitter part of the general public uncomfortable because they hate seeing happy couples, in which case, it's even more awesome.

9) Quit being annoying.

10) Don't stink. Wear nice cologne or something so that you don't smell like dude. It's icky and a turn off. Props if you can pull this off:


I'm just kidding. Though that'd be pretty neat. Except the horse doesn't look as amused as most women do. Whatever.

11) Have some self control and don't always try to get in her pants. This goes with #9; it's annoying. If you're a hipster, then "getting in her pants" has a totally different meaning and... uh... okay.

12) This goes for either sex: Don't keep in touch with your exes. It shows that you have issues of letting go of the past. It's stupid and there's no reason for it. It also shows that you have boundary issues. Let. Go. It's over for a reason. Don't try to "be friends" or "be friendly" because it's stupid, and it shows your newest significant other that you can't let go of shit. It's basically like saying, "I'm going to shoot my horse and then stuff him and keep him in my living room." It's weird. Don't do it. Another good way of making your new relationship fail and you becoming single. A dimwit way of doing it.

Do women have a harder time of letting go? I don't know. I don't have a soul and my heart is made of stone so I pretty much detach from stuff in a couple of days. Except my horse. He grew on me like a fungus. A strong fungus.

13) Keep yourself well-groomed and fit. I'm not asking for Dwayne Johnson or Channing Tatum, I'm just asking for someone who won't have a heart attack because of a shitty diet and lack of exercise, who doesn't look like shit with his shirt off, and who doesn't look like freakin' Chewbacca. Girls groom themselves of the time... guys can do it just as easily.


This is cute. Hairy and gross men are not.

14) Don't be a slob. Don't be gross. Stop that.

15) Be freakin' nice. Pay attention. Listen. It's not that hard, I promise. It's not that hard to not be an asshole.


Those are a few simple things you can do to keep someone's attention. Ladies, these go for you, too, but I usually have my guy friends ask me about this crap, mostly because when girls ask me for advice, I say, "Quit being a passive aggressive bitch." That usually solves most of the issues on the chick's end. Stop that, ladies. Stop it. Quit being dimwits.

You're welcome.