Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Monkeys

This chain letter has always made me laugh...

I like Monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I
decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They
punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch
at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive;
They all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped
dead. Kindalike when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
God
damn
cheap
monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
Looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the
toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey
and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That
Worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started
to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my
toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.Unfortuantely
there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer
so it didn’t go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable.
i had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
Monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred
monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn’t improving. I became
agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I
really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat
one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not
Allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen
ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them,
but could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
genitals.

I like monkeys.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Skills Clinic

Team Revs' Mike and John held a skills clinic for the race team. It was pretty awesome! I was terrified of cornering and I'm not very experienced with pacelines, but now that I completed the clinic, I feel a lot more confident. Due to not having depth perception, it's a lot harder for me to judge where the turn starts and how far away the rider in front of me in a paceline is, but I think that with time, I'll be able to do it as if it were a 6th sense. I mean, if I could jump 3'3" on my horse with no depth perception (I never got a disability card from the US Equestrian Org. since I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let me jump because of my eye sight), I think I can ride in a paceline and ride in a pack. I'm getting more confident.

Some of the race team members went on a ride before the skills clinic started, so I joined in. It was a lot of fun and I was happy that I was able to keep up with the faster group for the most part! I need to get pushed... and I think I'm on the right track.

Sweet!